Terrasa (tenu) wrote,

I sign a lot these days

I cant come back here. I like it, but I just cant. But there is no where else to go. I guess I should finally use my wordpress, but even my domain is too public. I want to write rants and ravings. Things that sound bad, but only because I know they will pass. When I complain it's a sign I believe something wonderful is around the corner. But I've been living in silence for three or four years now. Maybe three actually. Three is soooo long though. I'm losing my head. I'm losing it. No really, I went through a depersonalization episode -- the first ever. It was terrifying, but undoubtedly interesting. But I need that spot to say things so I know I can look back on them and remember the details properly. See the whole picture.
Right now I'm at a place where I'm still whining about my friends not caring enough, but I also have such awesome times with them. It's confusing. And I think things like, "a great indicator that a person is going to be one of those deeply, devoutly in love partners or not, is how easily and frequently they engage in small talk." What do I mean? I mean I _loathe_ small talk. I hate when people break into stories with someone they dont know. I dont mind when people tell me things, though I actually only want people who I consider friends to do that -- I'm pretty open about who I consider friends though -- I'm not a bitch. But if I go to the store, I really dont want to talk to anyone, not other customers, not the salesperson, not anyone. And if I did need to talk to someone or tell someone something, I keep it simple and to the point, sometimes not even getting into something that might make sense to say. I just don't engage. And with my friends, I do actually really like having them talk to me, but there are two sections -- the ones who I would happily listen to any amount of talk from them, but I only offer a limited amount of information in return, and then those who I not only enjoy listening to but also I open up to. There are probably 4 of those, including David. Yep. Four. And how does this relate to deep love? Well if you have nothing to say at all, if you are not just filled to the brim of your head with thoughts, then no, you wont have a deep love for anyone, but I am a mermaid of words. I just don't share because they are that important. I am so selective and private and to me, revealing my true self is the craziest gift I could ever give. Getting to know the truth. Getting to know me. I am such a control freak and I am so obsessed with directing life. I've known since I was the littlest thing that it would be a great prize to hear me speak the truth. I played 5 minutes of honesty. And to me, if you are willing to share things, without concern about how they are perceived, without worrying about how they make others feel, without valuing the return or valuing how they are used or integrated by the listener since you dont know said listener, then you simply cannot care that deeply about another soul's connection to you. So, I look back at my lovers and they were all capable small talkers. Some far more so than others. David lacks talent, but I mistook that for lacking desire. It makes me so sad these days when he's so talkative and chatty with strangers. I don't show it because I know he's proud of himself for breaking out of his shell, and I think he's happy making other people happy -- being personable does of course make people around you feel cheerful. So I say nothing. But inside, inside it's like the greatest betrayal. Those thoughts were for me and me alone. So I find myself signing. Signing to myself. Drawing further and further in, wondering why no one notices I'm gone. Ah the pains of being a controlling, secretive, demanding, passionate psycho.
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