Log in

No account? Create an account
banana fishbones
20 most recent entries

Date:2013-10-02 01:20
Subject:I sign a lot these days

I cant come back here. I like it, but I just cant. But there is no where else to go. I guess I should finally use my wordpress, but even my domain is too public. I want to write rants and ravings. Things that sound bad, but only because I know they will pass. When I complain it's a sign I believe something wonderful is around the corner. But I've been living in silence for three or four years now. Maybe three actually. Three is soooo long though. I'm losing my head. I'm losing it. No really, I went through a depersonalization episode -- the first ever. It was terrifying, but undoubtedly interesting. But I need that spot to say things so I know I can look back on them and remember the details properly. See the whole picture.
Right now I'm at a place where I'm still whining about my friends not caring enough, but I also have such awesome times with them. It's confusing. And I think things like, "a great indicator that a person is going to be one of those deeply, devoutly in love partners or not, is how easily and frequently they engage in small talk." What do I mean? I mean I _loathe_ small talk. I hate when people break into stories with someone they dont know. I dont mind when people tell me things, though I actually only want people who I consider friends to do that -- I'm pretty open about who I consider friends though -- I'm not a bitch. But if I go to the store, I really dont want to talk to anyone, not other customers, not the salesperson, not anyone. And if I did need to talk to someone or tell someone something, I keep it simple and to the point, sometimes not even getting into something that might make sense to say. I just don't engage. And with my friends, I do actually really like having them talk to me, but there are two sections -- the ones who I would happily listen to any amount of talk from them, but I only offer a limited amount of information in return, and then those who I not only enjoy listening to but also I open up to. There are probably 4 of those, including David. Yep. Four. And how does this relate to deep love? Well if you have nothing to say at all, if you are not just filled to the brim of your head with thoughts, then no, you wont have a deep love for anyone, but I am a mermaid of words. I just don't share because they are that important. I am so selective and private and to me, revealing my true self is the craziest gift I could ever give. Getting to know the truth. Getting to know me. I am such a control freak and I am so obsessed with directing life. I've known since I was the littlest thing that it would be a great prize to hear me speak the truth. I played 5 minutes of honesty. And to me, if you are willing to share things, without concern about how they are perceived, without worrying about how they make others feel, without valuing the return or valuing how they are used or integrated by the listener since you dont know said listener, then you simply cannot care that deeply about another soul's connection to you. So, I look back at my lovers and they were all capable small talkers. Some far more so than others. David lacks talent, but I mistook that for lacking desire. It makes me so sad these days when he's so talkative and chatty with strangers. I don't show it because I know he's proud of himself for breaking out of his shell, and I think he's happy making other people happy -- being personable does of course make people around you feel cheerful. So I say nothing. But inside, inside it's like the greatest betrayal. Those thoughts were for me and me alone. So I find myself signing. Signing to myself. Drawing further and further in, wondering why no one notices I'm gone. Ah the pains of being a controlling, secretive, demanding, passionate psycho.

post a comment

Date:2009-01-15 01:34
Subject:thoughts before syllabi writing

Anyone else going to see My Bloody Valentine 3D? There's hardly a 3D movie I wouldnt go see, but umm then I heard the Jonas brothers' one announced today -- gag. Still, bloody valentine looks crazy but irresistable.

Anyone else rocking the Wii Fit? We've really enjoyed it for the past few months, though I cant do the soccer ball thing without getting smashed in the head with shoes and junk to the point of epic fail [maybe you have a strategy, gwenzilla ]. And forget getting those stupid balls into the holes by wiggling about. I have decent balance though, I just keep trying to go in the opposite direction -- I have really awful coordination between the direction my eyes see and the direction my body moves. As a side note, I also have very weak left hand response time. If I dont look, I can do the ski slalom very well. I cant even take two steps on the tight rope though -- I absolutely try to move in the opposite direction I need to and can't fight my brain to do otherwise before plummetting to my death immediately.

Has anyone else shopped at Zara for clothes? That place has some pretty awesome style, but we've only ever seen it at the Framinham mall, and yet no H&M there! What gives? We drive all the way to the Holyoke mall for that -- well we drive to see friends in Noho, but it's on the way and all. Honestly though I'd say 80% of my clothes are from Target -- I'm such a fashionista, I know.

What are the top 3 stores in which you shop for clothes?

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2008-08-15 21:30
Subject:art and humanity

Projects I've enjoyed exploring:

 Suitcase Project

Project Facade

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2008-06-18 04:07
Subject:hulk SMASH

 We went to see the Hulk movie and it was actually way better than expected!
Gamma soda!

post a comment

Date:2008-05-23 20:50

So we found some photos we never took off the camera!

There is one of our anniversary from January! We were all dressed up to to go to a really nice dinner -- Davey looks so glam in his suit!

4 comments | post a comment

Date:2008-04-27 15:33
Subject:end of the semester Brawl tournament

 Absolute joy is a Becker College game party with all the best boys including my Dave and Paul.


1 comment | post a comment

Date:2008-04-02 19:36
Subject:your favorite teenage angst song is no better than martha washington's

There are some movies, some songs, and some books which we just love. And then you read more and you listen to more and you watch more and you realize, the stories are ALL the same. The same story is told over and over and over. So why do we still have a movie, as song, and a book that we love? Because it was our first. Because at some point, we didn't have that epiphany yet. At some point we hadn't gone through that emotion so thoroughly. At one time in our lives there was a 'first' time. And so whatever book or song or movie was the first to capture that epiphany well for us, that's the one we love and that's why people share common favorites in a generation and why there are 'classics'.

I think people can be like that too. There are friends from when I was younger that I just remember being the 'best', even though I know that the limited share of their personalities that I was privy too, well I know people who I share the same friendship with now, and yet, still, the first ones have this hint of myth to them, this exalted state, this legendary status in my head.

Anyway, I was just thinking of a girl I knew. I was thinking of how even now when I look at the photo I have of her, I think she's so full of life, so free, so vibrant, so beautiful, so lovely. But I couldnt really tell you why I still love her. I never dated her, we were never 'best' friends even though I cared for her more than she knew. I don't really know. There was just something about her.

I suppose first dates are like that too. It's not as if you do not love the person you are with as much as before, and yet we all know that first dates are more intense and memorable than going out to the movies two years later.

That's why I'm ok with the seasons. I get sad in the winter sometimes, but then when I take that first summer drive and I just feel unstoppable again, I know that I could never have a 'first summer drive' every year if it werent for winter.

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2008-01-22 04:45
Subject:married one year

 Had an incredible one year anniversary! Went to the same inn, and spent a weekend of romance in the mountains. I suppose I could say more but I have so much to do at the start of the semester, there's no time. The boy wrote me a love letter because your first is the 'paper' anniversary, and it was done with caligraphy and sealed with red wax, and just so sweet it's impossible to describe. I'm ever so happy.

best to all and much love

3 comments | post a comment

Date:2008-01-10 21:01
Subject:Interlaced Advertising

I've been wondering how long it would be before this became common practice. So far it's not, but I did see real evidence of it today. On MTV there was an ad for Jumper, some new movie, and then it just melded into a combination ad for Jumper and the HP computer with Serena.  It's a little weird, and worked better in my imagination. Maybe it is just because it's such a strange combination -- a scary movie and a light-hearted consumer advertisement.

Anyone else catch it? Will this end of individual, encapsulated ads be a more common phenomenon?

post a comment

Date:2007-10-19 03:53
Subject:Pumpkins are beautiful.


I don't really know where I've been. I've been working far too much, but then I cannot complain because that's how it all evens out with the summers and winter break. Halloween is coming up, but people don't realize that what I really like about it is all the cuteness -- like Target Halloween characters and white pumpkins and the colors of candy. I'm not a 'scary Halloween' person. This was always amusing when I was uber-goth in hs because I'd like things during Halloween like shiny little cartoon skeleton silhouttes and pumpkin tinsel and of course beautiful crows. My favorite Halloween items right now are the two door hangings from Target I got a couple of years ago. One is a stuffed felt ghost with candy corn and the other is a cat with one large eye and baby blue and orange welcome letters dangling underneath.

Things that make me happy [stolen from lots of people]:

1. my boy
2. loving our pets
3. being with friends
4. crazy times with my department chair
5. laptop and gadgets
6. nancy drew: the crystal skull
7. long drives
8. trader joe granola in vanilla yogurt with a sliced apple
9. my ds
10. this song that davey gave me today, which is last on the list only because it's a link to follow: 10f10t song

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2007-05-15 23:58
Subject:back from trivia night [2nd place]

Finished up grades a few days ago and so things are pretty clear for the summer. I'm making it a priority to make this a summer or I'll end up offing myself. We've already enjoyed Six Flags, trivia nights each week, and going out and hanging with the "Liquids"!!! Yay! Picnic was had, a cookout one at that! We also saw Amon Tobin in concert in Boston [and saw Hamlet although I wasn't sure how to say hello to her because I'm socially awkward.] We had a couple of Wii parties and started Zelda on our own, which rocks. And probably other things which I've already forgotten to include.

Also, thank you Gwen!!! Awesome postcard!!! ***HUGS***

5 comments | post a comment

Date:2007-01-21 23:44
Subject:toad & tenu

It was our six year anniversary this weekend. We went out to the Berkshires and stayed in a gorgeous B&B. We had a fireplace, a canopy bed, and a jacuzzi tub for two. It was a wonderful place! We then went to the Clark Art Institute and the Norman Rockwell Museum which are excellent art experiences. Oh, but before that, on Saturday, January 20th., at 2pm, in Easthampton, with an official record in Northampton, I got married.*

*I lied on the record because I wanted both of my parents' names on it, and so they are! Actually that was easy. There is no need to show any form of ID or do anything at all for your marriage in Massachusetts.

20 comments | post a comment

Date:2007-01-11 02:41
Subject:Amazing fun and games!

dishliquid and elizabeth_rv got us Perplexcity the game and we absolutely love it, but we've done all but our hardest, silver, card, so it was time to get some more! I went and got the board game version of it while I was at it, so we can all play!

While I was picking those two things up, I found these super cute Japanese fortune telling dolls, unazukin -- I didn't order one, but how kawaii is that!?

post a comment

Date:2007-01-05 23:32
Subject:For the beautiful Gwen

For Gwen:
Litter box in all its glory -- and it's tall, but not much wider or longer than a normal pan, if at all.
Read more...Collapse )
and our microscope:

[though it's cheaper at other places]

7 comments | post a comment

Date:2006-12-11 11:10
Subject:My Xmas Stocking

my xmas stockingCollapse )

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2006-09-05 08:21
Subject:Interesting tidbit you may already know
Mood: contemplative

I'm discussing writing systems in relation to cultural differences in eye scanning patterns, and I came across something I'd never heard of before.
Boustrophedon writing: literally stands for 'ox-turning' and is often found in ancient European writing systems such as early Greek. "In boustrophedon writing, characters are arranged into horizontal lines, but the individual lines alternate between running right to left and running left to right, the way an ox goes back and forth when plowing a field. The letters themselves use mirrored images in accordance with each individual line's direction." ref

Now that would be interesting to work with! Amusingly, the main thing that comes to mind when I read these things is, "wouldn't it be awesome if this came up on trivia night!?" That and my obsession that some day I will solve a mystery with my weird knowledge, as I adventure through a Myst island. Very realistic goals I have in life, really.

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2006-09-04 12:13
Mood: chipper

Here are photos from the Boston Harbor Islands -- well George's Island. It's the fort!!! It's incredible and we've already been back -- with flashlights and other stuff.

Here are photos from Hancock Shaker Village! Fabulous place!!! And they were totally into technology!

4 comments | post a comment

Date:2006-08-19 02:11

crazy week. didnt get to the islands, but good blessings came our way and have alleviated some of the big stressors in my life regarding schedules. I'm still worried how this semester is going to go, but it's just a little antsy-ness now with plenty of light at the end of the tunnel.

we also received a lot of mail this week! cool things like the last Nancy Drew game we didnt own, lili's birthday gift to give to her when we visit her again in Albany, my awesome letter from Gwen, and the most recent addition -- the most lovely wedding invitation!

dilettante666 sent me an absolutely gorgeous invite, all black & white themed and with a perfect font and fantastical images, and oh my goodness the reception / suite location looks completely, mind-blowingly amazing! I think it's going to be one stunning event! Here's hoping I actually get to go, but I'll have to wait to see how that would all work out. :-(

oh, and Im not allergic to manic panic so I've been dying my hair all kinds of temporary colors. the raven over the vampire looks really good right now, but I dont know how long raven lasts. if I had figured this out at the start of the summer, I could have had blue and purple hair!! but damn this is exciting! ah the little things.

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2006-06-20 03:16
Subject:Google Earth

Google Earth rocks of course. And it is one of the few maps that I've found that let's you mark your points on it, so you can see where everything is in relation to each other. You can then save the file, with notes, and send it to someone!

So. Im sure there are all kinds of great uses, but right now, for our summer events list, I'd like to see just all the MA museums done up on a Google Earth map. Unfortunately, I dont think I have the patience. I would though, if there was a way to import addresses from an Excel sheet -- not to mention this would make creating cool 'maps' of trip visits really simple.

Anyone have any saved files they'd like to share, or any experience importing? [off to research it now]

edit: that was easy :) it's built into GE gold, but this can do it for free: http://www.batchgeocode.com/

post a comment

Date:2006-06-12 05:52

What am I doing? I dont know really. I just finished The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time and somehow that led me to an old Poe book I'd forgotten with a character named "Richard Parker" and this led me to a new discovery about a very unusual connection with that name which led me to another book which led me to some artwork which I will order. The artwork is a graphic novel of sorts, about 3 sisters, the eldest and smartest with blue hair named Ophile, ends up causing tragedy due to her jealousy concerning her sister going off with some boy. Odd that.

I've been thinking about some of the traits, characteristic of Asperger's Syndrome, that so many of my friends share [that's what the Curious Incident book is about]. I share many myself. Not that it's a bad thing, just interesting.

Ive also been shocked by how much my stomach muscles still hurt from our little 'yoga/pilates' workout thing of yesterday. I feel like I went in for surgery and they cut all of my muscles! Well. I wouldnt know. But that's what it seems like, like they're torn. It was just us playing around on the floor, but we're silly and didnt stop to think about stretching or anything.

I want to put together a db of places that we go. space for name, city and state, description, notes?, rating?, date visited, number of times visited
I feel like I dont have any real map in my head of where I go or how often. I mean how many times have I gone to the Montague Bookmill? hmm, so Notes field would be good since each time I go, I might want to add something about it -- two tables then, notes goes with visits, which goes with date and that would allow me to not keep number of times, but instead add a 'visit' entry with the date/note and simply count all of those. Oh and I suppose location could technically be in a different table, depending on how I want to organize them. I need to keep track of who I go with. I mean yes, it's always Dave now, but all those places before, I might get around to adding at least those places that I havent gone to with Dave, one visit per place, just to make note that I've been there. This might be vaguely interesting after a year's worth of entries. I'll see.

2 comments | post a comment

my journal